


Ash to Ashes

by Nicnag



Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: Brotherhood, Family, Father/Son, Feelings, Friendship, Gen, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25610962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicnag/pseuds/Nicnag
Summary: Despite the tenuous relationship, Ash was still Clay’s father. That very fact overwhelmed Clay leaving his emotions spinning out of control when he got the news that Ash had passed away. Despite the hatred the rest of Bravo had for Ash for very valid reasons, the team has to pull together to keep their youngest team member from self destruction.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	Ash to Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve wanted to explore Jason’s relationship to Clay as father/son, not brothers.

No one on Bravo paid any attention to the ringing SAT phone on their C-17 as they drank their hard earned beers for a successful mission. However, when Eric strode over to them and then hesitated, they all feared the worst, like when their commander went to the bar the day Alana had died. They knew whomever the call was for, it wouldn’t be anything good. All of the teammates held their breaths waiting for Eric to speak. Each man had forgotten their celebratory beers and chatter, now standing from where they all had been sitting, eyes wide open in fear.

“Spenser, I need to talk to you,” Eric finally told the group. There was no relief felt by any of them.

When Clay found his voice, he asked his commander to just tell him while surrounded by his brothers. Sonny had inched closer to Clay instinctively wanting to protect his best friend. Jason’s eyes went directly to his youngest member to watch him for any sort of reaction to the unknown news. Clay was excellent at masking his feelings, it was something he had learned back when he was a child, but Jason knew Clay would, if only for a split second, be unable to hide his initial feelings.

“Clay, I’m sorry to inform you that your dad has passed away. He had an apparent heart attack. They did what they could but they couldn’t save him. He has you listed as his next of kin to handle his will and estate,” Eric solemnly told the youngest man on the team as he put a hand on his shoulder. No one missed the look of shock on Clay’s face that was quickly replaced with sadness right before he dropped his head trying to control his emotions and bring out the mask he was so famous for.

All of Clay’s teammates finally breathed a sigh of relief somewhat. Ash wasn’t their favorite person in the world. He was actually hated more than some of their HVT’s for what he put Clay through, but recently the father and son had been staying in contact as Ash was still working for changes to be made regarding veterans with TBI’s like Swanny. Sonny put his hand on Clay’s dropped shoulder but didn’t say a word. Sonny had a difficult relationship with his father, too. He and Clay had similar experiences growing up with their dad’s, but Sonny’s mom never abandoned him, she died, and he wasn’t shipped to Liberia although working on his dad’s ranch in the middle of nowhere could have been another country.

As much as the team really didn’t want to have anything to do with Ash, they couldn’t abandon Clay and let him deal with all the details his self. They all were accustomed to losing people in their lives, but just like Jason experienced with Alana, a PNG status for a veteran resulted in the Navy not planning any of it just like with a civilian death.

Back on Base  
“Where are you going, young buckaroo?” Clay heard the resident Texan ask as Clay headed to the door to leave the cages well before the rest of the team after arriving back on US soil.

“Home. I’m tired,” was the reply Sonny got. 

Jason was the closest to the door so he stepped in front of it before Clay could reach for the handle.

“I can’t do this now, Jase. I don’t even want to do it,” Clay tried to explain but his Boss stayed where he was. The frustration of being stopped was evident.

“You aren’t going home alone,” Jason told him. “I will make it an order if I have to.” Clay knew that tone.

The fatigue of the mission, the pain from a misstep that took him tumbling down a set of stairs and now the emotions battling inside him had completely worn him out. He wasn’t in the mood to argue with Jason, but he also didn’t feel like he needed anyone to ‘mother hen’ him.

“Why do any of you even care? You all hated Ash,” Clay barked when he turned around to face the rest of his brothers. None of them had ever hid their feelings regarding the man. When they got upset with the things Clay had told them over the past few years, they hadn’t been able to keep their feelings to themselves.

Sonny responded to Clay’s question as he moved closer to his best friend just like he had on the plane.

“Clay, we may not have cared for your father, but we care about you. We want to help you with this, it’s not something you should have to do alone, even if you weren’t on the best of terms with your dad for most of your life.” 

Sonny’s sincerity was present in his eyes and his soft tone as he closed the gap between the two. Again, Sonny put one hand on Clay’s shoulder while the other found Clay’s chin, forcing Clay to look at him when Clay had looked away.

“Listen here. You are family, family helps family no matter what. You having any sort of feelings about your dad won’t be a sign of weakness if that’s what you think…..is it?” Sonny asked, trying to hone in on what exactly was going through Clay’s head.

“I shouldn’t feel anything. He was a crap dad growing up pushing my mom away, dumping me in Liberia and trying to ruin my career so I couldn’t eclipse his. I shouldn’t have any feelings at all, except maybe relief,” Clay raised his voice as he addressed Sonny while knowing all the others wanted to know the answer, too.

There it was! That’s what was reflected in his reaction to the news his dad had died. He was feeling things he thought he shouldn’t be, that his own brothers wouldn’t care if he actually felt anything other than relief that the man was dead and couldn’t cause any future issues. He felt they would judge him for any other feelings than that.

Sonny pulled Clay into a tight, strong hug as he told his brother that it was okay to feel whatever it was he was feeling. Clay tried to pull away, but Sonny held on. While Clay had put on more muscle the past few years since joining Bravo, Sonny was still stronger. He knew it was futile to fight the hug at that point.

Sonny kept one arm slung over Clay’s shoulders when he stepped back, telling Clay that he was going home with his best friend tonight. Clay let a small smile cross his lips before putting on the mask he expertly wore to hide what he felt to the rest of the world once the team left the privacy of their cages.

It became obvious as soon as he stepped out of the comfort of being with only his teammates that the news Ash had died had already circulated around base. Despite what the elder Spenser had done after his career regarding his books, Ash had been a highly regarded member of DEVGRU holding many records while he defended his country, and for that, people offered their condolences. After what seemed like the millionth “I’m so sorry Clay” from those he didn’t even know, the pair finally made it to Clay’s car. Sonny had ridden his motorcycle and there was no way Clay was riding on it with him while leaving base. Sonny was surprised though when Clay readily handed his Nova’s keys to him. It was Clay’s pride and joy. Sonny had only driven it twice, both times were when Clay got too drunk to drive home.

As Jason left base, he took a left instead of a right which would have led him home. As worn out and drained as he was, he knew he needed advice from the one person he always knew he could count on. His boots crunched the gravel beneath his feet as he made his way down the row of headstones before stepping onto the grass in front of Alana’s. He knelt and ran his fingers over her name. 

Despite their impending divorce at the time of her death, Jason still loved her and would forever love her as the mother of his children. It pained him that she wasn’t with her kids. He always thought he’d be the one to die. She even accused him of wanting to die. The two never imagined that she would be the one taken and he would be the one left. He would give anything to have her back, anything. He would give his own life in less than a heartbeat.

Jason sat back on his heels before he pulled his legs out from under him and sat his backend on the ground. He bent his knees, loosely wrapping his arms around his knees. He dropped his head as he spoke.

“I could really use you today. I could use you every day but today, especially. The Kid lost his father.” 

Jason took a breath as if he was waiting for Alana’s response. 

“Yeah, the same father that abandoned him, who didn’t take care of him when his mother left, who dropped him in Liberia to grow up, who tried to tank his career so Clay couldn’t be better than him. That father.”

It had been obvious to the team that while the rest of them all felt like older brothers to Clay, Jason had felt more fatherly. He had judged Clay because of his father not knowing just how different the two were. He was in debt to both Adam, who he could never repay, and Ray, who would never accept payment for being the two that had seen Clay for who he was rather than for the ‘sins’ of his father. 

“Baby, I did some of the same things Ash did, though, when you died. I almost got on that plane the night of your funeral. I stayed in Bravo leaving our kids with a single father who is halfway around the world most times. Emma and Mikey resented me and my choice of work before…before you died.”

Tears stung his eyes as he blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the impending flood. He hadn’t realized until this very moment that he was more like Ash than he had ever considered. He was lucky his daughter stepped in after Alana died finally understanding the importance of the job he did as well as the need he had for it. His voice caught when he started to speak again.

“You always told me I should just ask Clay if he wanted to be adopted by us.” Jason smiled as he gave a soft laugh remembering that conversation. She had told him the rookie needed a family and they could give it to him. She wasn’t serious about it being a legal adoption, just wanted to let Clay know he would always be a part of the Hayes family no matter where life took them all.

When Jason had shared with her just what exactly Clay had been through before he joined the Navy, Alana had warned him about getting too close. She didn’t tell him not to. She told him that if he were to fill the void left by his bio father, then he couldn’t do the same things Clay’s father had done to the Kid. Jason had to be better. He had to make Clay know he was wanted, make Clay know that he could let his guard down with him and take off that mask of neutrality he wore so well, make Clay know that the brotherhood of Bravo welcomed him into their rough and tumble ‘family.’ 

Jason figured Clay had gotten over not having a good father who cared about him by the time he was drafted by Bravo. He had never considered that Clay hadn’t.

Jason remembered the times he would come home from a mission during the first few months after drafting Clay all fired up and pacing around the kitchen unable to settle down telling Alana what the younger man said or did to irk him, especially when it was a challenge towards him as team leader. Jason had been getting frustrated that Clay just wasn’t realizing yet he no longer had to prove himself. The last time he needed to do that was in Green Team. His proof is what got him onto Bravo. 

“Remember the night you yelled at me to stop pacing and sit down on the couch and listen, not letting me get a word in til you were finished? It felt worse than a dressing down at work because I had made the situation all about me, not about Clay. You reminded me I made a commitment to all of my team members to be there for them no matter what I was feeling or going through. The team wasn’t about me, it was about the men I led. You told me the only thing I could do was to try harder and give him more time. I couldn’t undo almost 30 years of damage in just a few months.”

As Jason reflected back on the conversation, he knew that he couldn’t make this about him hating Ash, it had to be about Clay. He had to detach himself from the thought that he was actually helping to honor the PNG’d veteran and focus solely on what his Kid needed, no matter how it made Jason feel.

“Thanks baby, you always know the right thing to tell me.”

Jason pushed himself up off the ground and once again ran his hands over Alana’s name before he went back to his truck feeling renewed and ready to be there for Clay.

Sonny gave Clay space once back at the younger mans apartment. He didn’t want to push, which was normally his style, at least not yet. He let Clay brood on the couch lost in his own thoughts while he ordered take out.

Clay had never once felt guilty over his relationship with his dad. He really had no contact with him until the elder Spenser found out he was operating with Bravo. If his dad had tried to come back into his life before Bravo, he may have felt guilt at some point, but his team showed him what a family truly is and that it had never been his fault that his dad had been a terrible father. It sounds so simple to say ‘it’s not your fault’ but it’s so much harder to believe unless you have the strength of 5 brothers who would die for you telling you that you never did anything wrong, telling you that HE should be the one apologizing and feeling guilty. Once his team beat that into his brain, he had actually been able to have a bit of a relationship again with his dad. He now felt like he controlled the relationship, not his father. He set the rules and if Ash didn’t want to abide by them, then Clay would be done.

However, when someone dies in your life, there is always guilt of some sort. Clay felt overwhelming guilt that he was so rigid in what he’d allow himself to feel for his dad and how strict he had been with what his dad could be a part of and what he couldn’t. Bravo helped him set those limits after Ash tried to sabotage Clay’s career, which he denied was his intention. Ash claimed he had a different inside source, but had never revealed who. Clay knows for a fact he did not share any information from the missions, he knew he had never even confirmed whether he was even in a given area. His dad being retired DEVGRU knew what type of missions his son would be on. Find info online about what happened and you can put together a pretty easy scenario to feed to the public for book sales since the Navy will not confirm nor deny, they just PNG. 

The funny thing about guilt was he never had any guilt towards his mother at the time he found out she died. He had been lied to til he was in his early teens that she wanted to be with him but her mental health didn’t allow for it, that she was institutionalized. That’s why he didn’t resent his dad at first about taking him to Liberia. He honestly thought his mom would come for him eventually. Then, he overheard a call of his grandparents that she needed bail money. They told her no and that she had chosen a really shitty father for her son as well. 

Clay’s mom didn’t know that Ash had dumped him with her parents, but when she found out, she did nothing. His grandparents said that they would bail her out IF she came straight to Liberia and live there with them and reconnect with Clay. She told them it wasn’t worth it. He heard his grandma repeat back what her own dughter had said, making sure she had actually understood Clay’s mom correctly that she’d rather stay in jail than be with her son. 

That’s the night his entire outlook on his family changed. His dad was no longer a super hero and his mom was no longer seeking help so she could eventually be back with him. He realized he had terrible parents. That’s also when he made sure to give his grandparents no grief. He realized they had so much to deal with that he didn’t want to be a problem, too. He had been a typical kid growing up, as much as he could be in Liberia, and would sometimes buck their rules, but never after that phone call. That was also the night he had to decide whether he wanted to pursue being a SEAL or not. Did he want to follow his dad’s footsteps and end up like him? Did he want to do anything but be an operator? Over the next few years he realized he wanted to erase his dad’s footsteps to spite the older man. 

Now, his dad was dead and he hadn’t been able to prove to Ash that he was a better man, better operator, better husband, better father, better friend than his dad. That had been the driving force in his career. The force was now gone and it left him questioning his entire career. Did he actually want to be on Bravo? Did he even want to be in the Navy? 

Sonny had been able to tell that there was more to this than he had thought when the team had still been in the cages. He could see Clay’s thoughts battling themselves as he struggled to maintain his composure. The Texan knew that Clay had always wanted to one up his dad, but he didn’t realize just how strong that drive was. 

A knock at the door turned Sonny’s attention away from his best friend as he answered the door. Jason closed the gap between himself and Clay quickly, who had gotten up from the couch.

“You don’t need a father to spite in order to feel like you’ve succeeded in your career and in life. You have me now and all I want is for you to be better than me, both as an operator and as a man.”

Clay was having a hard time believing what Jason was saying because for years, he had been told he would never succeed. 

Jason pulled Clay into his arms. One hand held Clay’s head to his chest while the other wrapped around his back pulling him in tight.

“Everyone knows that you are better than your father in every way. You don’t have to prove that, Kid” Sonny softly reassured.

Jason could feel Clay lean into his chest more as Clay wrapped his arms around Jason’s midsection hugging him back. A soft whimper escaped as Clay tried to breathe through all the emotions coursing through his body. Clay could feel the vibration in Jason’s chest as the older man spoke.

“I’m damn proud of you, Son. Don’t ever forget that. I’ve got you, now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!


End file.
